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Why do Christian women struggle with friendships?
My observation is that women struggle with genuine, vulnerable friendships - especially Christian women. Though nervous about tackling such a subject as a man, I hope that these thoughts will be a catalyst toward growth and even correction of my observation if it's found to be faulty.
Women friendships
As I write about women friendships – as a dude – the expression “where angels fear to tread” leaps into mind unbidden. It seems a cautionary warning to proceed carefully. Indeed, my writing was sidetracked when I decided to discover where the phrase comes from. The blog entry in front of me is one I feel needs to be written, but I fear writing it.
So.. a sidetrack it is:
The phrase comes from a line in a poem. The full line is “For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.” Am I fool for attempting this blog entry?
Amazingly, the poem is over 300 years old. It’s by Alexander Pope and first appeared in 1711. The poem is called An Essay on Criticism, and you’ll recognize a couple of other lines from the poem:
“To err is human, to forgive divine.”
“A little learning is a dang’rous thing.”
I make a mental note to read Pope’s poem in full later, and I turn my thoughts back to this long-considered blog entry. Perhaps my lady readers will remember the line about forgiveness if this entry offends.
My observation is that women have trouble making friends. Especially Christian women. It can’t be just me that has observed this. Karen Prior wroteThe Female Friendship Crisis inChristianity Today.
Trouble “connecting”
Anecdotally, our church staff hears – just often enough for it to cause concern – that women in our church have trouble connecting with other women. That is in spite of most everyone in our church consistently saying that our church is warm and friend-ly. That’s in spite of small groups, discipleship groups, and women’s ministry events.
A friend and former member – Dr. Jamie Sanchez wrote about friendships and said:
“…we have lost the art of building relationships. Somewhere along the line, we were told that friendships just happen. Perhaps this perspective is a result of our “instant” culture in which we click our way through life without having to put in much effort. But, the types of friendships that [C.S.] Lewis wrote about, and that I’m convinced we all long for, have a deeper spiritual component than the “BFF” flavor that has inundated modern society.”
Because we live in a click-and-buy digital world, it’s easy to see how we’ve all been rewired in our expectations for relationships. Yet there are differences in expectations of conversational depth between men and women.
Guys connect with other guys over a multitude of things. Guys can talk trivia, small talk, sports, hunting, stories, etc. to the point that when it’s time to leave a conversation, nothing of significance has been covered. That doesn’t bother most guys.
Women, on the other hand, are deeply self-aware and always thinking beyond the mundane in every conversation. They don’t appreciate consistent shallowness in their friendships or acquaintances.
Here are five observations for why Christian women struggle with friendships:
- Women generally dislike confrontation and conflict. Because intimate friendships must contain those realities for growth, women find it easier to avoid deep friendship.
- Friendships require vulnerability. Being forthcoming and sharing one’s heart (and dirt) with another in this age of frequent relocations, fickleness and easy offense is alarming to women. They cannot imagine sharing their heart only to discover that the woman they’ve shared with has moved on to another “friend” in six months.
- Women are more likely to have a lot of acquaintances that they’ll do coffee or go shopping with more than they have friendships that they invest in life with.
- Our culture is busy and fast-paced. Ladies in all walks of life can barely take a breath, and the demands on them are enormous. While they may want friends, when they have time, they want to nap or veg. Because it takes energy to be an intentional friend, it becomes far easier to just stay at home and flip through the lives of “friends” on Instagram.
- Insecurity. There. I said it. Not that this needs explanation, but because women are beautifully sensitive, it’s very hard for women to “put themselves out there.” They are willing to open up when someone is intentional with them, but because so few are intentional, it winds up that most hold back and feel disconnected.
Ladies, what do you think?
I certainly cannot speak for women and their friendships. I can read about them and research and observe, but I’d love to hear from women in the comments about whether they agree with the five observations above. I would be humbled if you took a moment and added your thinking to the list.
Thoughts for Christian women on growing forward in friendship
If it’s true – not just anecdotal – that Christian women (and perhaps all women) struggle with friendship, what are some steps forward to grow? I don’t want to offer some generic list of “how to get a friend,” nor do I want to be trite and say “to have a friend, you must be a friend.”
No, I’d rather look at the big picture for Christian women. As a follower of Jesus, we all know that relationships are not just important, they are ultimate. Relationships are the why, glue and path of life.
The why
In Matthew 22, Jesus was asked about the greatest commandment. He responded, and I summarize:
- Love God with your identity, your memory and your energy. Really. Love the Lord deeply. Love precedes and then inspires obedience.
- Love people more than you think of yourself. This command is equally stirring because we all think of ourselves – a lot – whether you’re a woman or a man.
So the why is because we are told to. We are designed to be in loving relationship with God and with others. Women must release their lives in trust and embrace relationships with others.
The glue
Relationships -and here we are talking about friendships – are more than checking the mail for a neighbor when they are out of town. They are the glue that holds families, societies and nations together. They require work or they lose their “stickiness” and adhesive power. Women must see that life is lived best connected to others.
The path of life
it sounds a bit melodramatic (but I’m talking to women, so it’s ok, right? ?) to say that friendships are the “path of life.” I mean that in order to get from point A to point B, you will need to have a friend. You truly cannot exist by yourself. Your spouse was not created to meet all your needs, nor were your parents – and certainly not your kids. You need friends. Friendships must be built on genuine consideration how to help and bless another rather than on what you “get out of it.”
One last thought: intergenerational friendships
Your best friend may wind up being 40 years older than you are. Full of life, wisdom, joy and perspective, older women can help younger women to get a grip, get perspective and follow Jesus even while their career path or kids’ carpool is overwhelming. Such an intergenerational friendship can also bring fresh insight, passion, fun and great activity to the life of an older lady. This intergenerational match is not just a great idea, but a divine design:
“They [older women] are to teach what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands and to love their children, to be self-controlled, pure, workers at home, kind, and in submission to their husbands, so that God’s word will not be slandered.” (Titus 2.3-5)
I close now, and I ask for grace and patience from my women readers in this attempt to delve below the surface of Christian women friendships. It’s been so tempting to just counsel you to “put yourself out there,” but I know it’s far more complex than that. I do know that you simply don’t have permission as a follower of Jesus to “turtle” all your life.
I’ll leave it for wiser women writers to offer better thoughts on the how-to’s and the struggles. I have truly tread on ground that I’m not worthy to walk. So I return to Pope’s poem and would adapt one line a bit – “a little lady blogging is a dang’rous thing.” I pray for your forgiveness where I’ve erred or spoken ingraciously. I also pray with all my heart for your future friendships of faith. May they be golden, girls.
Related
- Friends: Companions for the Journey – Dr. Jamie Sanchez
- The Female Friendship Crisis – Karen Prior
I love this! I’m glad you dared to tread! 🤣 Also, I was just in Clintwood, VA last weekend at the Ralph Stanley Museum. (Rabbit trail…sorry) Friendship with women has been difficult for me most of my life. I blame it on my lack of filter and inability to “play the game.” Men just seem so much easier. They say what they mean, you know? BUT THEN, my husband went active duty Army and we moved to Fort Lewis, WA in 2007. I stumbled across the most amazing Christian women’s group in all of time and space called PWOC (Protestant… Read more »
Thank you for your thoughts, Jenny! So helpful.
All this is causing me to wonder how to lead well as a pastor/guy in our church, to encourage men and women to pursue true fellowship (koinonia) friendships.
I dont know, Pastor. I have been thinking about an answer. I listen to sermons or teaching on YouTube when I get ready or do dishes, etc. I go in spurts with various speakers. Just this summer I’ve gone through Tim Keller, Jackie Hill Perry, Rosario Butterfield, Paul Tripp, Jen Wilkin… Now I’m on Matt Chandler. (I’m sure you know but, Jen Wilkin is over the Education Department at The Village Church in Texas. That’s Matt Chandler’s church. She is an EXCELLENT teacher of the word to women and also to women who want to be teachers of the word… Read more »
I would encourage you to encourage your members to confess sin to each other. To be vulnerable and drop the facade that they are “ok.†This was so good. Thanks for your thoughts! I think we do #1 well. We have a great many outstanding and outspoken women leaders in our church. I’m thankful for them and their initiative, love for the Word and graciousness. #2 always needs work. Creating safe, vulnerable environments is a challenge for churches, unfortunately, and not every small group ends up being such a place. The sermon by Matt is deeply encouraging! Thanks for sharing!… Read more »
Hey dad, thanks for diving into this topic. Thanks for being sensitive and opening the floor for discussion! For me, I am more confrontational than most women, and also naturally intentional. So some of these reasons don’t apply to me, but I think I am affected by them. Because many women dislike or are uncomfortable by confrontation, I feel as though I have to “water myself down†and fear offending someone or coming off the wrong way. I also very loud and confident, so those who are insecure in the past have not always received my kind of friendship well.… Read more »
Thanks, daughter! 😉
That was such a good observation. As I said, my observations were just that, and most of my concern is from anecdotal evidence of years of ministry and hearing a constant, though infrequent, refrain from some women of “I just can’t connect.” I’d love to hear principles and feedback from you and others who are “naturally intentional.” I don’t think it’s natural, actually. So what helped you grow in that direction?
You are spot on Jeff.. thank you for diving head first into this issue in the church.. I think because I am now in the “older woman” category that the Bible speaks of,, this has been on my heart so much in the past couple of years,,, Many,, and I mean,, many things have changed pretty dramatically in my life in the past five years especially regarding additional chronic health issues,, that have caused me to have to make many changes to my activity level,, work,,, life in general,, ect.. so anyway all that to say my heart has been… Read more »
Yes to all you said Jamie!
Jamie, thanks so much for your affirmation of the need for a conversation on this subject, and thanks for highlight the biblical
mandatewomandate of older woman being a good steward of their influence, experience and wisdom and taking initiative in the lives of younger women. I don’t know how the church can actively encourage this systemically, but it’s food for thought.I agree with everything you said I believe the main issue is lack of vulnerability and lack of familiarity. Women tend to shy away from it much more. It’s hard to find open women.
This was well written and pretty accurate. I have to chuckle a little at your careful humility on writing about such a possibly sensitive topic.😊 I identify with most of the main points… pulled in all directions, too tired make the effort, dont like confrontation,…etc… I feel that it gets easier the older you get though. Insecurities begin to fade some, and I believe women are less likely to be in constant comparison with one another. Having an older female friend is a wonderful way to catch a glimpse of those realities for younger women . I think having an… Read more »
Thank you Pastor Jeff for this helpful blog and discussion (a 4 yr timespan:) This subject has always puzzled me. People are just so wonderfully and mysteriously complex…aren’t we? I do agree with your five points. Your pastoral, male perspective is objective and accurate. Leaning to the side of being an introvert I can feel overwhelmed when friendships get challenging. It takes the grace and Word of God for me to not withdrawal. I lead an annual small women’s Bible study. Just the consistent sharing of life, laughter and study bind us over time. But two things that have especially… Read more »
Jeff, I appreciate that you care for people so deeply that you will explore this topic. There are a a myriad of reasons why there is a friendship crisis in the church—-many of which you explored. I’m not convinced that the friendship crisis is limited to women. (Maybe women talk about it more?) And often the barriers to developing friendships are the same for both men and women (for example, busy-ness and insecurity). But, either way, you nailed it—-nobody can, nor was meant to, meet all of our needs. We need friends. On a personal note, I was blessed with… Read more »
Thanks for chiming in, Jamie! Your article provoked so much of this. It’s the consistent refrain I’ve heard in ministry – more so at Northstar than elsewhere – from women about “just not being able to connect.” I don’t know if that’s relative to the fact that Blacksburg is such a highly transitional community, thus inhibiting longer relationships or what. Sometimes I think it causes relational “numbness” since by the time ladies establish a solid friendship, one or the other seems to be moving away. Maybe it becomes more difficult to “put yourself out there?” But new ladies to the… Read more »
[…] Why do Christian women struggle with friendships? (August 10) Yes. I wrote a post about Christian women’s friendships (or their struggle having them). I was nervous writing and posting, and the post received some deep comments. “My observation is that women have trouble making friends. Especially Christian women. It can’t be just me that has observed this.” I offered five observations and asked ladies to respond. […]
Found this post because throughout my walk with Jesus, I’ve had conflict, full blown confrontation (yelling and insults), been blocked, unfriended, deleted, betrayed, disliked, envied, by almost 20 different women. Women can be so vile and evil. I’ve figured out that I don’t get along with women who are Liberal/Democrat thinkers. They’re all into feminism, want to rule over their husband, struggle with submission, want to be leaders, pro gay, pro abortion, etc etc. And I don’t support that. So boom, conflict. Can I tell a story? I once posted on social media that I like it when a guy… Read more »
Hi Ana, Don’t know how I missed your comment last year. I don’t think what you are describing is unique to women, TBH. It sounds more or less like conflict that’s created from clashing worldviews. In the church, it’s especially painful these days. The past three years have not been kind – although they have been illuminating as to what people really think.
Googled and came across this, as acute loneliness in the lack of female friendships is holding me back from kingdom purpose. I agree with all points, but a fundamental piece missing is spiritual realm activity isolating women. If you feel isolated, you yourself isolate in protection and it keeps people away. For me, people like me to start but then they stop…. Been happening my whole life and ive never known why despite asking God.
As a followup to your comment, first, thanks for processing. Second, I’d encourage you to elaborate on what you sense the patterns or reasons why people “stop” liking you? Are they Christians? What’s your personality type? (Meyers-Briggs, Eneagram, etc)? Your spiritual gift mix? Just a few questions for starters. Also, are you emotionally self-aware? One book I’ve recommended to folks over the years is “Be a People Person” by John Maxwell. Easy read, but very clarifying. Another wonderful place to meditate in scripture is Galatians 5:22-23 and evaluate whether these fruit characterize your walk. Finally, are you a talker or… Read more »
Hits it head on for me. As a transplant all of my adult life it has gotten hard to find friends especially at church. I’ve joined classes and music groups only to find extreme cliques within the church. As a 65 year old woman, I find comfort in my family and in the fact that Jesus is my best friend and despite my cries to Him about needing a friend, He keeps telling me that I need to focus on Him for now.