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When it’s time to leave your church
There’s a provoking entry over at oldtruth.com that addresses the answer to this question. The thing that has consistently amazed me is that most churchgoers have never thought to question their particular church and its fidelity (or its leaders’) to scripture and spiritual maturity. Living smack in the middle of the Bible Belt, I’ve consistently observed people who have attended the same church for years without ever evaluating whether they or their children are growing spiritually and in their understanding of and embrace of a life mission and ministry.
It’s more of an intuition than hard, empirical research, but I suspect that most churchgoers attend church habitually rather than passionately. They are somewhat committed to the people they see in church week-in and week-out, but they hardly consider these fellow followers as family. They’re just “people that go to the same church they do.”
It’s sad to consider that few regular church attenders are aware that there are genuine and authentic (though certainly not perfect) gatherings of Christ followers – perhaps in their own community – who are earnestly seeking to follow Christ, serve their communities in love, and seek to implement the principles of Christ’s kingdom on earth. This is a far cry from their pew-centered, classroom-oriented church setting; however, they haven’t paused long enough to consider the dearth of a deep love of God and others in their own spiritual life.
When do you think it’s time to leave a church? (Or perhaps, when is it time to begin going to one?)
On Memorial Day weekend 2004, my family and I decided it was time to leave thw church my mom grew up in, mom and dad were married in and that I had grown up and gotten married in. Things had been going on and finally, the camel couldn’t handle any more. We were invited to another church, a Baptist church, where we were welcomed into a totally new community and town. The pastor of the “old” church never once came to us, nor did any of the members. We were approached by someone that used the excuse, “you need to… Read more »
Oh boy is this topic close to my heart right now! We’ve recentely been visiting other churches (as you may have noticed since we’ve been frequenting Journey lol) and we stayed in “our” church far too long for ALL of the wrong reasons. I finally was just honest with Clayton and let him know that I haven’t grown spiritually in years in that church, had no friends there, and our children had no youth to grow spiritually with. I left each Sunday feeling sad, upset, frustrated… nothing that I think you should routinely leave church feeling. Since we finally stepped… Read more »
Most people truely believe that life on Earth is as good as it gets. So they go through the motions of church because it seems to be the right thing to do.
i’ve encountered so many people in the south that claim a certain church as their “home” church, just by virtue of the fact that its where they went when they were younger, or they were saved there, or in the case of we southern baptists, its “where their letter is.” what annoys me is that they may not have stepped foot in that church (or any other church) in years, and have no intentions of doing so any time soon. but they have a church that they can claim as “theirs” and they’re satisfied with that. yeah, they may have… Read more »
great topic. We’ve all attended church out of obligation at one time or another, haven’t we? It’s a shame that thoughts like “I don’t want to hurt ________’s feelings” or “It will leave a void if we go to another church” hold us down in a place where we have little hope of growing. If you are leaving a church, are you leaving for the sake of leaving? Or are you leaving because you are going somewhere? If it’s the latter, and you have God’s leadership involved in SENDING you somewhere, then you know there is great blessing on both… Read more »
1. I have always liked the idea of pastors working together to minimize church-hopping. But my experience has been that many pastors are too insecure to work with other pastors on issues like this. Pastors would be opening themselves up to criticism if they do this. It’s easier just to let unhappy people go silently. 2. On the topic of when it’s time to leave a church… There are so many different reasons I could think of that would be legitimate reasons for leaving a church. BUT, I think too many people leave without ever consulting with the pastor about… Read more »
[…] Noble recently posted his opinions on another post regarding the answer to knowing when it is time to leave your church. There is a […]
Leave whenever it doesn’t feel like your faith is the main focus.
Jill,
IBC is indeed a great church! I’m sorry to hear of your experience but excited that God has led you to a fellowship where you are serving Him.
I think this one is going to win…..I knew it would be a toss up between this one and Ruining my metro…LOL!!!!
[…] Smith is the lucky winner of the iPod Nano! She submitted my post When it’s time to leave your church, and it received 22 votes over at the Squidoo lens.Thanks to all those who participated!I was a […]
[…] Noble recently posted his opinions on another post regarding the answer to knowing when it is time to leave your church. There is a […]
Leaving a your home church is always a hard decision. I made that decision last fall. The Lord has used me to assist in other church’s but I have not found a new home as of yet. The reason that I left my church, is that I am a sinner saved by grace. The church I attended doesn’t want sinners attending. When a church cannot administer help and concern to their own members, I don’t believe that God is in that Church. There were a lot of good people hurt and several of them will probably not get involved in… Read more »
Less than nine months ago I joined a new church that is non-denominationl. (I come from a Baptist background) I left my old church because I felt as if I wasn’t growing. I am still friends with the members and pastor of my old church so there are no hard feelings. The problem with the new church is the pastor appears to have respect for certain members while ignoring others. In the nine months I have been there, he has not once asked me anything about myself. Most of the times he doesn’t even speak. It is weird; some folks… Read more »
Jenny, Without knowing your situation in depth, I would encourage you to be patient and seek to discover what the church’s existing vision and ministry philosophy is. After only being there 9 months, I don’t know that you’ve had a chance to fully internalize what the dynamics are. If you are sincerely seeking spiritual growth, know that you can grow apart from having to create a formal program at your church. Just jump into ministry in your community and neighborhood. As a recovering Baptist myself, I think too often we try to start “programs” and all when in actuality we… Read more »
Jeff:
When you say, “…he’s having a hard time connecting with your intentions.” What are you saying? Are you saying that he is questioning my motives for wanting to start an outreach ministry?
No. I just think that since you’ve only been a member there less than a year, he’s probably trying to understand why you’re thinking of doing something new when the church is obviously doing a lot of things really well (or they wouldn’t have attracted you). Many times, pastors feel overloaded already, and when you bring them something new to put on their plate, they may initially respond with hesitance. Like I said, “patience, humility, and persistence.” Plug in to what is already going on and pray about what you’d like to see happen. Jeff’s last blog post..Review: The Kneeling… Read more »
Recovering Baptist… my gosh… have you lost your compass? To whom much is given, much more will be required… sound familiar? Baptists from all over the world have invested in you Jeff, are they getting good return for their dollar or their love dished out to you? YES, there is much to be improved upon in the typical Baptist church, but there is far more good than bad. It is not always about YOU, it is about the impact they are having on their community and world. Remember all those sweet senior citizen at the Friendship House in Garland. How… Read more »
you have to go if you do not feel comfortable
Jeff, I have a question. I am going to take you advice and do some praying about this issue. I have been at my church for 10 years and have only been active in a couple of activities. I feel that I have much more to offer, and would love to be in a teaching area, because I love to study and learn new things and to be able to share them. But I cannot find my nick where I am. Could it be me? Everything I seem to find an interest in, there is a conflict. I want to… Read more »
@Scottie: I hate to say this, but yes, it could be you. In situations like what you’re describing, it could always be “us” rather than “them.” I would urge patience. At the same time, I would encourage you to visit your leaders about possible places of service. We always find less to complain about when we’re serving others. Sometimes our discontent is caused when we become consumers in church which is meant to be a servanthood environment. Folks who are evaluating their church on what it does for them may not quite understand that there is a mission of Jesus… Read more »
I just recently lost my mother-n-law whom I was very close to. She passed away on March 26th 2009, it’s been so hard to to continue in fellowship with the church and I miss her presence there. I feel empty since she is gone and it just don’t feel the same. I cry everyday because I feel as though it’s time to go and then again I think of the others there like my pastor which is the husband of my mother-n-law. she was involved in everything in church and always gave me encouragement and taught sunday school. She was… Read more »
@Roberta: I am sorry to hear about the loss in your family. This article certainly didn’t cover instances such as yours. Many years ago I read Phillip Yancey’s “Where Is God When It Hurts?” It’s a fantastic book for times of pain and grief. I highly recommend it to you.
So glad to hear what a positive impact she made on your life for Christ. I will be praying that the Lord brings comfort, healing and direction to you in these days of loss.
Jeffs last blog post..Rectal 2009 [Flickr]
It seems to me that this is a little bit selfish attitude- “I am not growing” in a church. The best way to grow is to use your spiritual gifts to serve others, in love. That’s the purpose of the “church body” that resembles Christ – growing through loving service to one another. Use your spiritual gifts and yo will grow spiritually, no matter where you are- this should depend solely on Christ and you can be a blessing for others. If one loves people as Jesus did, he/she would leave a church when they would kick him out/ or… Read more »
I would love help with my current dilema. I’ve been at my church for five years…… serve in leadership…. do all I can for my church and my church family. I’ve had two tragedies in the past 4 months of my life and when I’ve looked around my church and my church family were no where to be found. I am so stinking upset but I keep telling myself I must die to my flesh – I can hurt but I cannot get mad. I seriously have NEVER questioned leaving my church the very thougth was CRAZY. Now I think… Read more »
I feel as though it’s time to leave my church home. I find that the pastor and leadership alow too much with the lifestyles of those in leadership. Shacking, not paying tithes, speaking out during service and causing confusion….what should I do. I’ve spoken with the Pastor and he feels as though it’s not his place to get into peoples’ business but if not him then who?
@Chris: Sorry for not seeing your comment before now, but the idea of serving to grow is fantastic. It’s especially relevant for those who may be pew-sitters and after doing so for too long begin to complain that the church is “no longer meeting their needs.” However, many (like Almost Home) are pouring themselves out and in moments of crisis, they feel that their church has dropped the ball and neglected their very real need of being ministered to. @Almost Home: I am deeply sorry to hear of your crisis experiences and regret that you have felt overlooked and unloved.… Read more »
I think New Testament giving is what the Spirit leads you to give and not a tithe. Most of the time it will be more than the tithe. We should all pray and let the Lord lead us in what to give. Doylene
I have heard so many different lines. I am being selfish by wanting other church members to help me up and pick me up when I am down. I am a church hopper if I leave a church because it is dead as a door nail and no one wants to help out unless it means something to them. ie: I’ll go to the bridal shower for the pastor’s daughter in law, but I’m not attending one a week later for another church member. Before a church can even so much as think about helping their community they need to… Read more »
First, I would recommend reading (and grasping the concepts of) “What is Your Church’s personality?” Many of the comments above seem to reflect a tension with ministry values and philosphies of ministry more than with theological issues. However, I would iterate one comment in a different way, by saying, “We need to ask whether we are running away from something bad, or running toward something better.” Too often it’s the former–and folks go from one poor situation to another. I believe we might leave churches less when considering that those to which we would run are little better (and maybe… Read more »
My family I joined this church and everything was fine. There was personal events that the Bishop and Pastor knows about. When they want to talk about somebody they say it in their sermons. When they speak you know who they talking about. However, I know that my family has been the butt of their sermons many of time. It had got so bad that I just left the church for a year or so and came back due the spirit telling me. I want to remove me and my children from the church again and never come back but… Read more »
Hi Ms. Andrews, I too have experienced similar situaions in my church. But, the main point in everything that you have said is that the spirit Told You to go back. Was this the spirit of God telling you? Make sure. If it’s not then run!!!! If it was then God can be preparing you for a specific people to be able to minister to. I’m In no way telling you to stay but seek God and make sure that you are doing what He wants. In 2008 my daughter walked out of my church and committed suicide. Some of… Read more »
I hope someone is still responding here. My son and his wife are Christians and have been married almost 7 years. The church they attend does not belong to any Christian association or over seeing church. The pastors of this church are all related, father, son and step-son. They broke away from the church they belonged to because they didn’t agree with their doctrine. My concern is this; My son is questioning some of their teachings and the lack of the fruit of the Spirit in the leadership. He is now under reproach and has been warned if he doesn’t… Read more »
[…] years ago, I wrote a short entry called When it’s time to leave your church. I’ve been amazed at the amount of traffic that entry continues to receive. Invariably I […]
I am thinking about leaving my church. I have so many mixed emotions. I’m concerned about how my pastor will think of me afterwards. I am concerned about where I should go. I have had a LOT of Positive and Negative experiences in this church. I have been taught the Word of God, I have grown so much over the past 15 years. However there is this nagging voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me IT’S TIME TO MOVE ON! I feel I have been mistreated, overlooked and taken advantage of over the years. But, I… Read more »
@K. Michelle: Praying for you as you make your decision!
I would also encourage you to dive deep into the Father’s love for you. He will not beat you with a baseball bat if you switch churches. Nothing “bad” will happen in that sense. You may experience some relationship crises or tension as a result. Make a commitment to take the high road, be gracious and loving in it all.
I see that this blog topic has been ongoing for quite a few years. Perhaps you have turned the corner and don’t counsel on this now. But something about the K.Michelle post of 2011 prompts me to go ahead and make this post. I have been agonizing over finding a new church for complicated reasons involving a formerly unbelieving spouse, elderly parents returned to join my congregation, and a personal feeling of not belonging after 36 years of committed, contributing membership (teaching, youth music, Elder and leadership, bible study, choir and Worship team). I was delighted to have my parents… Read more »