Leaving the church: it’s not over yet

I subscribe to World Magazine and have struggled a bit with it over the past years. Recent resignations at the magazine have made me more comfortable with its direction and tone. (though I don’t always need to be comfortable with my news/perspective)

In a recent column, Janie Cheaney wrote about famous author Anne Rice. She was best known for her Interview With a Vampire series. She died last year at 80. You may not have known that she became a Christian in 1998. That made headlines in the evangelical world. Until she broke up with us about 10 years later.

In a Facebook post in 2010, she wrote:

“Today I quit being a Christian. … I remain committed to Christ as always but not to being ‘Christian’ or to being part of Christianity. It’s simply impossible for me to ‘belong’ to this quarrelsome, hostile, disputatious, and deservedly infamous group. For 10 years, I’ve tried. I’ve failed. I’m an outsider. My conscience will allow nothing else” (Facebook post, 7/28/2010).

“It’s not me; it’s you.”

That’s the equivalent of “It’s not me; it’s you.”

I never knew Rice personally, but I’m assuming from her post and later stance that she was never quarrelsome, hostile, disputatious or infamous herself.

I like one of the things our church says in its membership materials:

You may have heard it said, “If you think you’ve found the perfect church, don’t join it, or it will stop being perfect.” The church is a wonderful organism. It’s a representation of Christ’s life and ministry on earth. However, because normal, ordinary folks are involved, there are no “perfect” churches.

Only Jesus is perfect.

Notice the “somes” in what Cheaney shared in her column at World:

We tend to idealize the early church, and the historical record gives us sterling examples from saintly Stephen to heroic Irenaeus. The record also offers cautionary tales. Some Christians were hypocrites, like Ananias and Sapphira. Some were libertines, like the gluttonous Corinthians. Someharped on dietary laws and holy days, wounding others for whom Christ died. Some preached Christ out of selfish ambition. Some deserted the faith entirely, trampling underfoot the Lord who saved them.

In every organization, family and gathering of humans, there are always somewho… whatever. There’s always some who spoil it for everyone. There’s always some who hurt some. And there are some that give the rest of us a bad name. Right? That’s normal?

Perhaps Rice’s expectations of church people were way too high? Or was it that her own self-assessment was? I, for one, find myself – especially as a pastor – simply grateful to “be here.” I know my own flaws, foibles and weaknesses well. I am humbled daily by my deep need for Jesus and the free and full forgiveness He offers.

Leaving the church

But there’s a lot of people who feel like Rice. There are websites devoted to helping people who want to leave the church:

• leavingchristianity.net – “finding the way forwards”
• leavingchristianity.org – “a place to speak out upon and to feel less alone in leaving christianity”
• “leavingchristianity.com” is apparently worth a lot of money. Visiting that link allows you to make an offer to buy it for almost $4000.
• exchristian.net

Well known evangelical pastor/author Josh Harris kissed Christianity goodbye in 2019. He said, “By all the measurements that I have for defining a Christian, I am not a Christian.”

Jon Steingard, the frontman for the Christian band Hawk Nelson, announced, “ I am now finding that I no longer believe in God,” in 2020.

Add to them Marty Sampson from Hillsong, Kevin Max of DC Talk, and Pastor Dave Gass. I’m sure you are aware of others.

This leaving Christianity is being given new names and labels that almost make the sayonara attractive or cool:

• deconstructing
• exvangelical
• de-conversion

Whatever the label, at its foundation is unbelief. The heartrending truth is that so many claim problems/issues with the “church.” You’ll see references to the “institutional” church in many confessions. However, what is the “church” except people – people for whom Christ died? The church is not a building or a flesh-less organization. It’s people. Family.

Breaking up with Christianity is like announcing to your family over Thanksgiving turkey that you no longer want to be a part of them. Families are not perfect. All relationships require work. There’s chaos and conflict, dysfunction and hurt, frustration and failure. And yet… of such dismal ingredients, beauty can rise. No one likes the smell of manure, but it makes great fertilizer.

It’s not about us. It’s about Jesus.

In many cases, Anne Rice included, those who “leave” still want Jesus. They just don’t want “us.” Sniff. It hurts us to lose people. Especially when the people who so confidently walk away seem to adopt a scorched-church approach in the process. Their social media posts, blogs, and quotes are brutal.

The family who stays – the vast majority – struggle to make sense of it all.

However, at day’s end, it’s really not about us, the “church.” It’s about Jesus. He is the Creator. He’s the head of the church. (Ephesians 5:23, Colossians 1:18) This dysfunctional, struggling, imperfect, and yes, quarrelsome, hostile, disputatious, and infamous group of people known as the church belongs to Him. He’s responsible for us. He has promised to make us better. To grow us.

“…He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion.” (Philippians 1:6)

But it doesn’t happen all at once. And every follower of Jesus is on a different growth path – some rocketing skyward in passionate transformation, while others of us feel more like we’re being drug forward through our slums. Gloriously though, Jesus is the Redeemer. That means HE claims responsibility for us and graciously promises to work in and with us as we become more and more full of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). He started a good work, and in spite of our best efforts to resist Him or make Him look bad, He promises to “complete” this work He started.

What do we make of the leavers?

I think it’s imperative that we show them the grace in their leaving that they haven’t shown the church in their leaving. Continue to be loving, patient and prayerful for them, with them and toward them.

Two things are happening with the leavers.

1. They think they’re leaving when there’s still more story to tell.
2. They never really belonged in the first place.

“They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would have continued with us. But they went out, that it might become plain that they all are not of us” (1 John 2:19)

Pastor John Piper said:

“It’s not over, folks. If you have a kid who has walked away from the Lord, it’s not over. The prodigal son is a parable about leaving and returning.”

In pre-“everything is offensive” days, we’d cue the fat lady here. Sing away, we’d say.

But perhaps Yogi Berra’s “it ain’t over til it’s over” is better. The verdict is still out. The tale is not over. For the leavers or the church. And maybe in our prayers, we will even hear Jesus say something similar. It’s not over until He says it’s over.