How to choose a toilet

With a title like that, it’s an indictment on your willingness to click on anything you see on the internet that you’re here. I’ve got bad news for you. If you’re hoping for a wisdom about selecting a toilet to use in a public space, this isn’t the article for you. I’m one of those “when you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go” kind of people and have no prejudice about my poop hole preferences. I’ve hovered over holes in the ground when I’ve been overseas, praying my legs and balance would be sufficient for the challenge.

Fortunately for you, this article is literally about choosing a toilet – as in buying one to install in your home.

We recently had a toilet begin leaking. After identifying the problem and deciding that since it was an older, lower toilet, we opted to go shopping at Home De-pot (see what I did there). We wanted a taller toilet. We also went to Lowes, in spite of its name.

I’m a rookie toilet shopper. I’m not a rookie toilet user. As I said earlier, I’m pretty non-discriminating when it comes to where I place my poo – as long as it’s appropriate. However, I learned something about myself quickly as we perused the aisle of toilets. Those gleaming porcelain thrones on display were also priced like thrones.

I could not imagine paying several hundred dollars for a toilet. It has one job – take my bodily refuse (and whatever else I threw in it) and flush it away. I was quickly overwhelmed by all the toilets that were on display. Those were some fancy crappers.

In that moment of quandary, my eyes were drawn first to the price tag – $139. It was a simple, tall toilet. It gleamed white. It seemed inviting. That’s when I noticed its audacious claim, pictured on its box:

FLUSHES 7 BILLIARD BALLS IN A SINGLE FLUSH

I was dumfounded. And I was sold. Not only was the price and height right, but the power! I have no idea how they tested it or why someone decided it was a good idea to attempt to flush billiard balls, but why in the world would you ever need anything else than a bold toilet that effortlessly flushes seven pool balls? What it smugly and subtly claimed was, “If I can flush seven billiard balls, I can handle whatever you poop in.”

That, my friends, is how you select a toilet.

User Note: We have not verified the manufacturer’s claim about the billiard balls. We’d be scared to. The toilet has adeptly handled some challenging loads, but we’re not sure if our pipes could manage an eight-ball. But the temptation is real.